Once a year – symbolic of the ever-recurring.
When the darkness, the emptiness, the demon of depression returns – and I still don’t give up. I would like to share a few personal words in this post. Sometimes I need an outlet, such as writing, to give vent to my thoughts.
People who know me are aware of this; I have written about it in one post or another, or mentioned it timidly. There is a part of me, something that, when it is there, influences my life so much and takes over. I don’t know exactly when it was the first time that depression really took hold of me. There wasn’t one moment, it was a process that developed over many years. It crept up on me early in my life. One thing is certain, though: even if things go well for a long time, it has stayed with me and is a part of me. It comes and goes. That I will ever get rid of it completely… I’ve had to say goodbye to that idea.
Sometimes it lets me breathe and hope for weeks on end. And then – suddenly, almost silently – it’s back again. It comes and goes, over and over. I know that, but every time it happens, it pulls the rug out from under my feet.
Once a year, you bring me into your world.
Once a year, I know what it feels like to fall.
Even though I’ve known this for a long time, when you come, I’m never ready.
In these dark, oppressive times, I often find it difficult to even get up, leave the house, or concentrate on anything. It’s as if everything inside me freezes. My thoughts go round and round in circles, and sadness overwhelms me. And often I can’t name a reason or trigger. I hope and gather my last reserves of strength and once again take up the fight to finally put an end to this and dispel this gray fog. It’s not as bad as it was in 2021. Back then, I was close to giving up and wanting to end my life—that extreme is far away now. But I have to be careful not to get back there. This is an illness that can be fatal. Unfortunately, that is the reality.
Small everyday difficulties become seemingly insurmountable problems in these moments. And real difficulties, such as a death in the family, serious illnesses of beloved pets… Well, that pulls me down extremely and I feel like I’m breaking down myself. These are situations where I have to be careful not to fall even deeper into a hole. Here I need help, support, encouragement.
I know I’m not alone in this. And yet it often feels that way.
That’s why it’s important to me to talk openly about it—even if it’s not easy. In moments when I’m clear-headed again, I know that there are still so many people who are ashamed of their depression, who think they are weak. I know this only too well! But the opposite is true. It takes incredible strength to keep going day after day when you’re struggling inside. It takes courage to seek help. And it takes honest compassion—from ourselves and from others.
In addition to art, music has also been a part of my life for a long time.
The song “Einmal im Jahr” (Once a Year) by Kate Louisa touches me deeply. I have loved this song for a long time, precisely because the lyrics speak to my soul. In it, Kate sings about her own experience with depression, honestly and emotionally. She addresses the demon of depression directly and asks it to release her. It leaves, but never lets go completely and always returns. And yet there is always hope and, despite everything, confidence. Her words and music make me feel understood. That it’s okay to stumble. That it’s okay to show yourself and that there is hope.
And that’s exactly what I want: more visibility. More openness. More understanding. Depression is an illness, not a phase or something you can just “get over.” If you break your arm, you naturally go to the doctor and everyone is understanding. Why not when your soul is broken?
People with a keen sense of perception and a sensitive heart are often affected. And no one is to blame. So if you recognize yourself in this, get help. Talk about it. Show yourself. You are not alone.
I myself am currently working on regaining my strength bit by bit. However, in the midst of a recurring episode, this strength is very limited. That is why it has been so quiet in the studio lately. But that too is part of my journey. And I hope to be able to bring more light into my work and my art again soon.
Until then: Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading this.
For everyone struggling with the same or similar issues: #youarenotalone 🌻
“Einmal im Jahr” (Once a Year) by Kate Louisa. A song about depression, in which every line—and everything in between—is so true.
Take the time to listen and try to understand.
